I would often take breaks from social media. This isn’t new to me. It seems that every time I post something I promise that I am back for good. What can I say? I’m an optimist.A few things have changed. One of the most drastic changes was my breakup with my long term partner and photographer. I thought that this was something I could easily do on my own but, I struggled to find someone that I trusted to take my pictures. This blog is something that we built together, it felt wrong continuing without him. I thought about quitting. I felt defeated. I know its dramatic but I thought about how much work we have put into this and it’s because of all his encouragement that I started blogging.
This blog wouldn’t exist without Shaun. It’s more that just having a space online to share your thoughts. He gave me something that I lost long time ago. My confidence.
So I couldn’t give up. All those nights I cried feeling like I wasn’t good enough would be all for nothing if I quit.
So why did I take this hiatus from blogging and social media?
I battled with my mental health. It’s been no secret that I have sever depression and anxiety. I speak openly about this. Social media platforms like Instagram haven’t really helped. I constantly compared myself to others, I had manic episodes where I completely broke down and felt worthless I am 29 years old and I haven’t accomplished anything.
I see so many influencers get praise and accolades that I felt I deserved too. A bit self absorbed? maybe but, I knew my worth and what I was capable of. I felt I deserved some recognition.
I heard the same thing over and over again…”why don’t you have a lot of followers?” it became so mind numbing. This really bothered me. I started becoming angry and bitter. I am ashamed to say this but I couldn’t be happy for others and their success.
I didn’t like who I was and every single picture I took I found so many flaws. I became so critical. I had a few business opportunities and when that failed I took such a big knock and wondered why nothing could ever go right. after having a few more disappointments I just couldn’t blog or post on social media. I didn’t like feeling like a failure. I really thought 2018 would be a good year. It was supposed to be the year of change for me . Everything I touched crumbled.
I decided to take a break from blogging. Focusing on healing and my mental health. I had to step away from all the material things and ask myself why any of this matters and why it affected me so much. Self reflection is a mutha. I started blogging because I needed an outlet. I wanted to prove to myself that I could overcome anything and no matter what I have been through (and fuckit! I have been through some shit)that I could be anything I wanted to be. I just need to cancel the negative thoughts. It’s been just over a year and I am in a much better head space.
No one prepares you for these so called life tests. Social media does have a major impact on how you view yourself. Since I stopped comparing myself to others I honestly started too be more grateful( I have always been but it takes a setback to remind you that things will happen in time, when the time is right.) I stopped questioning things and accepted that it happens for a reason. We all want to be successful it’s okay that its taking a while to reach your goals. There’s no rush.I have learnt to celebrate even the tiniest achievements like putting on pants hahaha.
I don’t know how I will feel in a week or two , I currently do not have a photographer. Shaun is irreplaceable. We make a pretty good team. As always my sister has been my rock and she is always willing to put everything aside to take care of me. Lyn,you are everything and more I am so lucky to have you in my life.I love you so much.
and to all my friends and family that continue to support me thank you.